Whitney hid so Lil Nas X could fly

“You break down my walls with the strength of your love.” — Whitney Houston I Have Nothing from The Bodyguard

I’ve heard this song many times before. But when I heard it this past Saturday, it was different.

Maybe it was because the night before, I fell in love with my girlfriend.

As I continued my drive, I wondered about Whitney Houston and the love she had for a woman. In 2019, Robyn Crawford came forward about their intimate love in her book “A Song for you: My Life with Whitney Houston”.

Whitney Houston is an international icon; so much so that I’m sure her performance of the American National Anthem could make even a Taliban extremist tear up. For the Black community, she is a cornerstone of the culture, and transcends generational divides.

During a Red Table Talk with Jade Pinkett Smith, Crawford details her and Whitney’s relationship: from their first meeting as teenagers, their first kiss and lovemaking, and the fateful moment when Whitney ended their relationship. It was said that the relationship was a distraction from her calling as a musician. It must be mentioned that Whitney’s mother, Cissy Houston, did not approve, and thought it unnatural for women to be as close as they were. Adding a little Christian guilt to injury, Whitney handed Crawford a Bible with a farewell love letter on a blank page.

One can only wonder how this rejection of who Whitney really was drove her future decisions, and the troubled life she lived thereafter.

Last year, I remembered my queerness and had my first relationship with a woman. Even now, I remember moments in my childhood where I was attracted to girls, but was told that “it wasn’t right.” And as I matured and cross paths with queer women, I’d avoid them, unconsciously avoiding this part of myself. But there came a time when I could no longer ignore. When I shared my remembering with my tribe, I received mixed responses, largely positive and supportive. Though I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that my mother, too, and her mother, were not pleased.

While my sexuality brings tension to relationships that were once the center of who I once was, I do know that I would have it no other way.

I must choose myself.

Indeed I am aware that this is a privilege that I do not take lightly, as Whitney did not have this luxury. But her silence allowed her to survive and permeate color barriers, and that gave me, and artists like Lil Nas X, the liberty and confidence to be who we truly are.

We stand on her shoulders.

I could continue on about how unaccepting the culture can be of queerness, but that would be ignoring the parts of our tribes and elements of the culture that celebrate with us. While dynamics have shifted, for the better, my life has become fuller because I have accepted this part of myself. My relationship with my Creator is stronger because the women I choose to love are chalices for God’s deep love for me.

Whitney’s inability to live as her truest self and her subsequent life choices are affirmation that our pride is the right choice. It is why Lil Nas X’s unabashed celebration of his life is significant. And it is why I am having the best love of my life.

So when we are proud, it is because there was a time when we couldn’t be, when the most beloved of us couldn’t show up in their fullness. I believe that when one of us becomes an ancestor, they become better positioned to help us humans realize our liberation. And because of Whitney, and those whose names we will never know, we wont have to wonder if we almost had it all, because we can receive all the love that is meant for us.